How to Win at Chess

I'm a serious chess player (I play competively), and I have decided to share my winning ways with the public.

Before the Game:

#1: Be sure to tell your opponent that you killed your brother. And that they looks a lot like him. This really seems to get them. And if they just laugh at you, tell the person next to you that your opponent is laughing because they're sitting next to a killer.

#2: It also helps to show them your opening (the way you open up the game). Make sure you show them some shitty moves. Like moving both the 'h' and 'g' pawns up and putting your knights on a3 and h3.

#3: Then offer to play a pactice game before the real one starts. Should they say yes, then that's when you put your "opening" into action. It also doesn't hurt to make a whole lot of bad moves.

During the Game:

#1: Gum, gum, gum! Chew this like you never chewed before! It annoys the crap out of them! This has worked countless times for me, and I am very proud of myself. Other things work also, such as beef jerky, carrots, chips, etc. When they look at you like "Stop!", just look back at them like "What? Me? What am I doing?". You can also take a big bite while looking at them.

#2: Stare at them. Kinda look at them for a while then go back to analyzing the board. Then go back to staring. When your opponent looks up, then you make your eyes really wide and you kinda try to hypnotize them. They'll most likely resign just to get away from the weirdo.

#3: Cough on their queen.

You:"[cough! cough!] Oh shoot! That mucus landed on your queen! Are you gonna move it now?"

Them: "Here, you can just have it."

#4: Say adjust when adjusting the clock.

#5: Pass gas.

This should really help you in your play.

What do you do now? The games over, no need to do anything. You can shake their hand and say good game. Unless you lost, I like to tell them "Yeah, sure. Hey, you look like my brother..."